Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you. We had bed bugs last summer. What is grossly appalling is I felt them for weeks. Crawling on me in bed each night. But I was too tired and lazy to turn on the light and check them out. I was actually proud of myself for not caring enough about what I thought were the occasional ants and spiders crawling all over me in the middle of the night. I thought I was pretty brave stuff. An indifferent insecticide all in myself, like a superhero bug woman. Have you got this Deadpool Riding A Unicorn shirt?
See more Roses are red, violets are blue, i’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you Deadpool Riding A Unicorn shirt
I picked a lousy time to be brave. Because my months-old baby was sleeping between my husband and I, waking up with small red lumps on his forehead I assumed were hives because my older son had them at this age. Bugs were actually feasting on my infant. Not until one night, two minutes (TWO MINUTES) after I turned off my reading lamp, I roll over to turn it back on for some reason- forgot to take my vitamins or something- and see something tiny and dark out of the corner of my eye. I look behind me. Our entire grey, king-sized, six-months-new fabric headboard is crawling with bugs. At least a hundred.
At least. And by this time many had already scurried back through the buttoned tufted passageways from whence they had come TWO MINUTES AGO. It was a surreal moment. I am ridiculously calm in instances when most women, or even men, would be screaming their eyeballs out. Or it might be clawing their eyeballs out. Roses are red, violets are blue, i’ve got five fingers and the middle one’s for you. But no matter. Instead I hit my husband with my hand and in a slightly raised, alarmed, yet calm voice, much like if I was informing him our exit was coming up, I said, “Babe! What the heck are these things???”