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Paw Patrol, Paw patrol whenever you’re in trouble! Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol we’ll be there on the double! Whenever there’s a problem, round Adventure Bay, Ryder and his team of pups will come and save the day. Marshall! Rubble! Chase! er… Skye!… the one with the boat, …the other brown one… kill me…kill me now.. It is difficult to sum up exactly how much my heart fills with leaden dread at the sound of the theme tune to this bloody programme. Sunflower Buckle up buttercup you just flipped my witch switch shirt. Because, as catchy as this tune is, it also means that we are about to go on another ‘mission’ in Adventure Bay. And by mission, I mean Captain Turbot has fallen off of his fucking boat again.

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For the blissfully ignorant, the Paw Patrol are basically five dogs who provide all emergency services for a place called Adventure Bay. It’s unclear how puppies got these roles (my experience of puppies is that they don’t do a great deal more than chew everything and piss everywhere). Get Sunflower Buckle up buttercup you just flipped my witch switch shirt. But in the event of a crisis, these super pups are called into action, when they assemble just like The Avengers! (If The Avengers sniffed each other’s arses and were susceptible to worms.)

Their leader is a Tony Stark-type figure called Ryder – a young boy who apparently has no parents, lives in a state-of-the-art surveillance tower and has access to millions and millions of dollars. Which he wastes on kitting out dogs with military-grade hardware so that they can fly, speedboat and drive to the rescue of whichever Bay resident has clumsily fucked up the simplest of tasks that day. And that is pretty much it. There are way too many annoying elements to Paw Patrol so here are just my Top Five:

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Each pup has their own speciality. There’s Chase who is law enforcement. Marshall who provides the fire service. Rubble is a disaster relief engineer. Skye is air force, Zuma is coastguard, and then there’s Rocky. Who is in charge of… er…recycling? Of all the pups, Rocky is the shittest and rarely involved in a mission. As Ryder assembles the pups and allocates tasks it becomes abundantly clear why: “Chase I’ll need you to set up a perimeter, Rubble I need you to clear up the damage, Sky I need you to provide air support. Er… sit this one out, Rocky, eh? We don’t need anyone to sort the plastic from the fucking cardboard on this mission.”

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